We’re continuing our celebration of Steve Carell and his Michael Scott character with a list of our favorite quotes by his possible successor, Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson). As we all now know, Michael Scott will be leaving The Office on April 28, but his replacement has yet to be announced. Luckily, Dwight is still in the running for the job, and hopefully we’ll be seeing a little more of the Dwight Schrute Bobblehead.
We’ve seen how Dwight Shrute makes a speech, and hopefully this list will give us an idea of how he would run The Office.
And our top 20 funniest Dwight Schrute quotes are….
20.“Now that I own the building I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha…Well I guess it’s not an evil idea it’s just a regular idea but, there’s no good laugh for a regular idea.” (Season 7, Counseling)
19. “You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.” (New Leads, Season 6)
18. “Why are all these people here? There’s too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?” (Phyllis’ Wedding, Season 3)
17. “It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please, that computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.” (Launch Party, Season 4)
16. “So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.” (The Job, Season 3)
15. “In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas.” (Classy Christmas, Season 7)
14.“The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.” (Phyllis’ Wedding, Season 3)
13.“I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim’s life with a can of pepper spray I had Velcroed under my desk. People say, “Oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.” Well, I say it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.” (Survivor Man, Season 4)
12.“When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died, and what moves I could’ve used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.” (Grief Counseling, Season 3)
11. “I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir, maybe use them.” (Launch Party, Season 4)
10. “One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.” (Traveling Salesmen/ The Return, Season 3)
9. Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.” (WUPH.com, Season 7)
8. “I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. ” (Traveling Salesmen/The Return, Season 3)
6. “My perfect Valentine’s Day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the fifty restaurant reservations I made over 6 months ago.” (PDA, Season 7)
5. “It’s good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would’ve seen all three gunmen. I would’ve pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository. Boom! Grassy knoll. Boom! Fake Jackie. Boom! Then is shoot myself, so I don’t change history and create a paradox. Boom! But right at the last minute, I twist out of the way of the bullet. Nice try, history, better luck next year.” (Customer Survey-deleted scene, Season 5)
4.“In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby.” (Viewing Party, Season 7)
3. “The principle is sound: to avoid illness, expose yourself to germs enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever.” (Christening, Season 7)
2.“In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead. ‘Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.” (Healthcare, Season 1)
1. “Whenever I’m about to do something I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” (Business School, Season 3)