Top 10 Seinfeld Quotes: Jerry Seinfeld

Published by Seth Quillen in: Television,Top Ten Lists -- Date: 20 Nov 2012 Comments: 0


We’re celebrating the 20th anniversary of the fourth season of Seinfeld. Fans of the show know that it was the fourth season of Seinfeld when the show really broke out and became a cultural phenomenon. Sure it was good before season 4, but you’ll find many of the best episodes in this season. The Bubble Boy, The Virgin, The Junior Mint, The Contest (Master of Your Domain), The Implant (they’re real and they’re spectacular). All in all season 4 gave us 24 hilarious episodes we could not wait to quote around the office water coolers in the morning.

We’ve spent hours going over each and every Seinfeld episode to bring you the best of the best Seinfeld quotes. There were too many quotes to narrow them down to just one top ten list, so we’ve given each character their time to shine. Over the next few weeks we’ll give you the top quotes from Jerry Seinfeld, George Costanza, Elaine Benes and Cosmo Kramer.

We’re starting with Jerry, the master observer himself.

Top Ten  Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

10. “I’m glad I cut you off! Because Black Saab rules! So long, jackass! (The Puerto Rican Day, Season 9)

9. “But I don’t wanna be a pirate!” (The Puffy Shirt, Season 5)

8. “Gimme that rye, you old bag!” ( The Rye, Season 7)

7. “You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?” (The Cheever Letters, Season 4)

6. “She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It’s like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I’m letting him win.” (The Nose Job, Season 3)

5. “I admire the hell out of her. You can’t have sex with someone you admire.” (The Sponge, Season 7)

4. “Snap out of it, you stupid jerk. You’re eating a turkey sandwich. What do you want, a Nobel Prize?” (The Cafe, Season 3)

3. “Let’s face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference is that in not too many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.” (Seinfeld Chronicles, Season 1)

2. “It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history. No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.” (The Foundation, Season 8)

1. “I’m not gay! Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” (The Outing, Season 4)


And since there are so many great Jerry Seinfeld Quotes, we added a bunch of runners-up
Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. (The Seven, Season 7)

“Make it one job. Cop/garbage man. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom.” (The Chinese Restaurant, Season 2)

“I hate anyone who had a pony that ever had a pony when they were growing up…Who leaves a country packed with ponies to go to a non-pony country?” (The Pony Remark, Season 2 )

“The women’s movement just can’t seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?” (The Chinese Restaurant, Season 2)

” I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn’t want to talk to, I could go: ‘Excuse me. I’m not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away.” (The Phone Message, Season 2)

“People don’t turn down money. It’s what separates us from the animals.” (The Apartment, Season 2)

“What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.” (The Stranded, Season 2)

“The IRS… they’re like the Mafia. They take anything they want.” (The Truth, Season 3)

“I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long boring story with no point to it, I’ve got my life.” (The Wallet, Season 4)

“How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born ? Every year, over and over… All you did was not die for twelve months.” (The Outing, Season 4)

“But are you still master of your domain?” (The Contest, Season 4)

“I love the black and white cookie! Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It’s a wonderful thing isn’t it?” (The Dinner Party, Season 5)

“I guess I just wasn’t ready for the responsibilities of a pretend marriage.” (The Wife, Season 5)

“Hello…Newman.” (Several episodes)

“Oh, volunteer work!. See that’s what I like about the holiday season. That’s the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside.” (The Pick, Season 4)

“According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses — in mid air, mind you — makes a left turn and lands on Newman’s left thigh. That is one magic loogie”. (The Boyfriend, Season 3)

“Is it possible people are having babies just to get people to visit them?” (The Hamptons, Season 5)

“People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.” (The Big Salad, Season 6)

“Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it: it’s too high, it’s in no-man’s land.” (The Finale, Season 9)


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